You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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