If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
