Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize