I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
