please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
