My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Send help, water and tortillas.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
