I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
