Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
