I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize