i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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