He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
