Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
