I only kidnapped one of them. chill
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
