there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
