My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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