I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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