well you can't waste a boner
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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