I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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