If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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