i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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