I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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