fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
