My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
