today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize