I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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