Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
