Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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