Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
