her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
