can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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