take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
