I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
