Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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