woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
