Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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