my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize