what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
