Me too!
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
