why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
this just has baby written all over it
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
