i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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