if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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