If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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