so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
