I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Drunk is a universal language darling
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