at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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