he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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