My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
