Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
