My pussy is not your playground.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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