I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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