god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
