My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
