You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
