Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize