Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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