3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
